When All Is Said And Done

1985 - Taff’s Diamonds

Stupidity is a marvelous thing; it’s our license to disregard
logic and plow ahead with the ridiculous

This is not really a Mucky Duck story. Rather it is about a lark that went a tad wrong. It’s also proof that although, in years, we were now mature; our brains were still somewhere back in adolescence.
All the Ducks were in it apart from Red, who screamed her head off because she wasn’t but this was men’s work.
Well that’s that we tried to tell ourselves but I think it more a case that we didn’t want anything to happen to her, she had come to mean a lot to all the guys. Not as a mother figure that would be very wrong, rather it was that we all ‘loved’ her too much, each in his own way. Again, I think love is the wrong word - but it’s the best I can do.
Diamonds; such a simple word but what a lot trouble they have caused throughout history and now we were after them.
Best start at the beginning.
In earlier times Taff had worked in a certain South African country. He was really a qualified geologist, among many other talents. His job had been to find new ‘levels’ for the mining of diamonds. Now I believe that a lot of this is done by simply ripping the soil from the surface using high pressure hoses and working down into a big pit.

Taff had been out wandering one day when he came to a natural fault, like a cave only bigger and in places open to the sky, so it was really more of a ravine than a cave. He dived in and after probing for a while discovered that the walls were actually very like diamond bearing sediment (I think he called it that). A bit more digging and he found a rough diamond about the size of a match head. Naturally he stuffed it into his pocket.

On returning to the main mine he kept his find very quiet. OK perhaps not entirely honest but who cares; we would all have done the very same thing.
He always meant to get back to the cave but that particular country again started warring with its neighbor. Being a sensible sort of chap Taff got out and came to Australia.
That was now around fifteen years in the past. We had all heard the story a hundred times but now things were different. The two countries, after a lengthy peace, were again shooting at each other and Taff got an idea, luckily it didn’t happen too often, - which he brought to me.

His ‘plan’, for want of a better word, was for us to slip in while the others were busy shooting at each other and grab a ‘sack full’ of rough diamonds that he just knew were there "for the taking BoyO". I was certainly not convinced. The sea I can handle but the thought of wild animals and jungle tended to give me the creeps.
"Trust me BoyO", he said. "In four or five days we could get enough stuff to keep us for years", BoyO was still not in the least convinced.
"Africa" I said "Is a long way from Sydney".
"Oh BoyO’, he came back "Where is your spirit of adventure, we could be rich man".
"We could also be very dead".
"No, no Harry" (now I was Harry) "we sneak in see, while they are busy and grab the loot".
"Taff", I said, "Are you telling me that there are really diamonds there and that you know where to find them"? He nodded energetically.
"I could find it blindfolded, it’s just across the river that is the border, no more than two miles walking".
I must have been completely out of my tree but I said I would put it the guys. That was my first mistake.

That evening in Mike’s I told the chaps about Taff’s plan. When I finished there was a long silent period.
Chris finally said, "Taff are you jerking our chain"?
Taff said that it was straight up "No chain jerking" he finished.
Morbid looked doubtful but there again he always looked that way.
"I thought there is a nice little war going on there’, he said. ‘Wouldn’t that stuff things up a bit"?
Taff glared at us as if we were all imbeciles.
"Can’t you get it through your thick skulls that this is the perfect opportunity", he was almost going purple "The war makes it perfect. Who is going to notice a few chaps in all the confusion"?
Red gave a quiet chuckle.
"Perhaps a man with a big tank will notice and then we all go boom".
We? There were immediate protests. Red would not be coming, if we went, and that was by no means as yet certain.
I have heard of icy glares, now I saw one. Not go, of course she would go; she was a Duck like the rest of us.
The argument raged for about ten minutes. Cyclops ended it.
"Then none of us go," he said. Red fumed. Taff looked ‘explosive’ the rest of us, wisely, kept quiet. But the argument was over. Red knew that if we didn’t go she would be blamed and that if she insisted on going it wouldn’t happen.
She stormed off the way only a female could do, women are trained from birth to affect ‘dramatic exits’, they are just so good at it.
I think the decision had been made; we were going. I am still not sure how that happened. Madness, half way round the world on a whim.
On the jukebox Agnetha was singing The Winner takes It All - Oh I really hoped so and I didn’t like the bit about the loser ‘falling’ or something like that. No I didn’t like that at all. So, mistake number two was made.

Max was not happy about the jaunt but he had the sense not to put a spanner in the works. However, this was not to be a Mucky Duck operation. This time we were on our own. I am not sure what the difference was; we were always ‘on our own’. I have to give the old devil his due, for two pins he would have come with us.

I will not go into how we got there; needless to say we didn’t arrive by plane into a major airport. For a start none of us was carrying a passport, or any other document that could identify us. I am also not going to say just where we were but I suspect many will work it out. Our pockets were stuffed with money (at the time we were all getting quite wealthy) and this opens many doors and smoothes many roads. However, when you think about it, it made our enterprise even more ludicrous. It would be pretty stupid to get killed on a lark when we were now able to enjoy the good life that only money can offer. It wasn’t as if we craved adventure, we got enough of that every working day. Guess its back to plain stupidity.
We left our base in a small village on the coast and started inland.
The border was about twenty miles away, Taff hadn’t mentioned that, it’s easy to write but twenty miles is twenty very long miles.
For the first time most of us were out of our element. I won’t say the sea is my home but I am comfortable there. This was very different.
Trees, long sharp grass, heat and to cap it off creatures both real and imagined.
It soon became apparent that we were scared of: - Big creatures with sharp teeth and claws, Small creatures with sharp teeth and claws. Tiny creatures with sharp teeth and claws - Things that crawled, things that slithered, things that buzzed around our heads. In fact just about everything that moved, or looked as if it had the capacity to move. So much for the intrepid treasure hunters.
At this point we were still in good guy country. We didn’t exactly go out of our way to advertise our presence but we didn’t really hide it either.
A couple of times we ran into people. They didn’t seem in the least surprised to see eight heavily armed men walking through the bush, or if they were they didn’t show it.
However, the mood changed a bit as we reached the border.

Why couldn’t it have just been a painted yellow line like on the map, why did it have to be a river? Not a wide river but still a bloody river.
We camped for a day and a half in some trees - hate camping. It gave us a chance to see how well the river was patrolled.
In the time there we never saw a patrol boat or any troops but there was the soft rumble of artillery in the distance.
Guns, being our expert, thought they were at least ten miles away, which was not really all that comforting. I think that in the area where we were the river was a little too shallow for patrol boats to operate in safety; you would need a very special boat with almost no draft.
In my minds eye I kept seeing Red glaring at me and shaking her head. I think I was more afraid of our next meeting than of any bad guy soldiers.
During the day Taff and Morbid probed up and down river to find a shallow place to cross. In our haste we seem to have forgotten about minor details - like needing a boat.
On the second night we made our move. The ford that Taff had found was only about half a mile downstream from our camp.
We did the whole thing. Green and black faces, wooly caps, camouflage fatigues, it was all very theatrical. Trouble is the theatre was playing Gilbert and Sullivan.
We crossed into bad guy land. Mistake number three.
I have done some stupid things in my life but I think this beat them all. It was just plain crazy. And to make matters worse I knew it was crazy and still did it.
Taff now took the lead and led us through the night to a spot below an overhang. We got under cover planning to make our approach the following day. I think we were all too excited to really sleep, excitement and the bugs - hate bugs.
The next morning we spent checking gear and getting a feed inside us. Then some more sleep. As the shadows lengthened we made our way cautiously towards the side of some crags where Taff assured us we would find our cave full of diamonds. Mistake number four.
Well, we found the spot. It was just as Taff had described it. That is except for the sixty or more tents and 300 or so soldiers - bad guy soldiers; this was different than the Brochure de Taff.
We started to edge back but when almost clear, naturally, we were spotted. I could tell because there was a barrage of small arms fire that seemed determined to destroy all the foliage around us.
We ran, setting some new world sprint records in the process.
We had about two miles to cover to get back to the river. Occasionally we stopped and fired back into the night before going on. There was little chance that we hit anything, it was just done to slow our pursuers down a bit. The night was our guardian angel. It slowed us down but although we did keep crashing into trees and falling down, it hid us. To this day I am not sure how we got away. The guys chasing us were professional soldiers plus they were in their natural element, whereas we must have looked like characters from a Max Sennet comedy. I don’t think there was one tree or rock that we didn’t either run into or trip over.
That river looked very good to our eyes. We started to belt across just as a further burst of fire splashed in the water around us.
Morbid grunted and stumbled but kept going. My left leg was savagely kicked out from under me. I briefly fell but then managed to get up and continue. It was the thought of wringing Taff’s neck that kept me going.
Once across we hid in the trees, wonderful trees. There was another burst of fire but I knew they couldn’t see us. They were just having a hissy fit. They wouldn’t cross after us.
On getting back to our camp we all flopped down and started laughing. It was the laughter of relief. Things could have been so much worse - Should have been worse. Our stupidity and arrogance had nearly got us all killed.
We had been lucky, far more that we deserved. We had to start ‘growing up’ but that was unlikely to happen.
Taking off my boot I found that a bullet had just nicked the inside of my left ankle, lots of blood but not much actual damage. No bones were broken, really nothing more than scratch. But a good pair of new boots was ruined.
Morbid however appeared a different story. He had been shot in the arse. He carried on like old women as we got his pants off. I really thought he was going to die.
Then fresh peals of laughter rang out. The bullet must have been just about spent, probably bounced off the water. You could see the wound all right. In fact you could still see part of the bullet sticking out of the white flesh. Guns actually pulled it out with his fingers.
All but Morbid fell about screaming with laughter, he for some reason didn’t find it at all funny, especially when Taff poured raw antiseptic onto the open wound.
However, all laughter stopped when Cyclops asked.
"How are we going to explain this to Red"? Oh dear, we hadn’t thought about that. It was indeed a sobering thought, rather the wrath of the bad guy soldiers than of Red. The fear, that had subsided, started to again rise.
Anyway, our big treasure hunting expedition was over.
No diamonds, we didn’t even really get there. Plus, for some reason I never did wring Taff’s neck. The little Welsh twit looked so contrite that I didn’t have the heart.
On the way home we bought a small-uncut stone at a dodgy looking shop. This we gave to Red saying it was all we found.
Not our finest hour - We did seem to have a lot of failures.

------------------------------

From Christopher Tredon
Harry omitted to mention one last thing. Red wasn’t deceived for a second. For a start he had a hole in his ankle and Morbid couldn’t sit down. All women notice these little things.
Boy did he get a slap on the back of his head. Her eyes turned very green, the chin started to take a determined thrust forward - and we ran like hell.

FERNANDO

1985 - Taff’s Diamonds